NSR - Jet Peddler's clean and respectable Joke of the Day
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Enthusiast
2017 Vespa GTS300 Super Rosso Drago
Joined: 05 Oct 2017
Posts: 80
Location: Staffordshire/Cheshire Badlands, UK
Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:26 am quote
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you wouldn't have heard of it...
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:55 am quote
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."

She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"

Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw a rock at the principal's car ?'"
Resident Gentleman
--------2008 LX150-------- Dragon Red
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Posts: 5045
Location: Brady, TX
Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:56 pm quote
Did you hear about the optician when fell into his lens grinding machine?








He made a spectacle of himself.
Resident Gentleman
--------2008 LX150-------- Dragon Red
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Posts: 5045
Location: Brady, TX
Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:57 pm quote
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?








He got a little behind in his work.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Tue Jun 12, 2018 7:14 pm quote
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
Hooked
2009 GTS 250ie
Joined: 24 Mar 2018
Posts: 273
Location: south Texas
Tue Jun 12, 2018 7:16 pm quote
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment

Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.

They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Molto Verboso
GTV300 (wife's)
Joined: 08 Nov 2014
Posts: 1005
Location: Central New York
Wed Jun 13, 2018 8:27 am quote
Have to apologize for this off topic post but needed some place to put it!

A couple days ago I was at the local Home Depot and as usual trying to find things can be a challenge as way too many things are not where I would expect to find them. Not sure if it's just me or if everyone has that problem.

Well while wandering about lost I was asked by two different people if I worked there! Apparently wandering around with a lost look on your face makes you look like you are a "normal" employee!

One of the guys was looking for a mailbox post and mentioned he found the mail boxes but for some strange reason he had thought that would be a logical place to display the post for the mailboxes!

And I was wearing a dark blue shirt not one of the bright orange vests like the people who do "work" there!
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:11 pm quote
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."

Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
Ossessionato
2013 GTS 300 i.e.
Joined: 05 Sep 2012
Posts: 2053
Location: Northern California
Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:27 am quote
Ahem

87BD4871-4F60-4DA7-9C90-AFB1EECE4376.jpeg

Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Sun Jun 17, 2018 6:29 pm quote
Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Sun Jun 17, 2018 6:33 pm quote
For those of you a bit more visual...

hardly a davidson.jpg

Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:48 am quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
For those of you a bit more visual...
Wisconsin plates....
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:28 pm quote
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Hooked
2013 BV350/2009 MP3 250
Joined: 24 Jul 2011
Posts: 348
Location: Sacramento, California
Wed Jun 20, 2018 6:16 am quote
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:10 pm quote
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

Vincent: “One dollar.”

Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”

Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
Enthusiast
2017 Vespa GTS300 Super Rosso Drago
Joined: 05 Oct 2017
Posts: 80
Location: Staffordshire/Cheshire Badlands, UK
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:11 am quote
dmpawley wrote:
Ahem


DM that reminds me of one of my favourite jokes. A bit niche, maybe..

'And now a traffic update. A lorry carrying a shipment of dub reggae records has overturned, shedding its cargo over a section of the M5 near Bristol."

"Expect long delays..."
Ossessionato
LXV 150 Midnight Blue
Joined: 06 Dec 2010
Posts: 2124
Location: Karawang
Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:05 am quote
Ahem.

A truck carrying 30 tonnes of french cheese has crashed on the M5 Motorists are warned to 'Watch out for de-brie'
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Jun 22, 2018 7:06 am quote
Bob: A man came by my house today asking for donations for the new town swimming pool.

Rob: How much did you give him?

Bob: One quart.
Member
Vespa Primavera
Joined: 19 Aug 2014
Posts: 35
Location: North of Atlanta, USA
Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:37 am quote
What do you call a veterinarian that treats only one species?










A physician
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:30 am quote
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jul 02, 2018 6:41 am quote
A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
Addicted
2008 GTS 250, 1979 P200E
Joined: 11 Jan 2006
Posts: 829
Location: Florence, OR
Mon Jul 02, 2018 8:07 am quote
What did the snail say when he climbed on the turtles back?





Woooohoooooooo!
Ossessionato
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Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jul 02, 2018 8:59 am quote
qascooter wrote:
What did the snail say when he climbed on the turtles back?





Woooohoooooooo!


Made me laugh.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Tue Jul 03, 2018 7:44 am quote
An elephant and a camel were talking. The elephant asked, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replied, "That's a funny coming from an animal with a penis on his face."
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:13 pm quote
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:13 pm quote
nice engineering
Jet Peddler wrote:
For those of you a bit more visual...
http://www.hardlyrideable.co.uk/page2.htm
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Fri Jul 06, 2018 2:49 am quote
All apologies
Why did tge seaman cross the road?
I'd put the wrong sock on.

So sorry 😮😂😂
Enthusiast
300 GTS, Stella 4T
Joined: 29 Jun 2018
Posts: 58
Location: EPX
Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:56 am quote
Now, this is my kind of thread...

My wife told me she was going to her gynecologist for her annual exam...
I was thinking, "Ain't he looking in the wrong end?".
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:07 am quote
Come on guys, note the title of the thread.

Clean and Respectable Joke of the Day.

No offense, but please?
Ossessionato
MP3 500, GTS 250 (both 2008 MY), 2010 Can Am Spyder RT-S, 2012 Honda NC700 DCT
Joined: 02 Mar 2013
Posts: 4764
Location: Madison, Wisconsin
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:23 am quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
Come on guys, note the title of the thread.

Clean and Respectable Joke of the Day.

No offense, but please?
There may have been some instigation. Just sayin.

An elephant and a camel were talking. The elephant asked, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replied, "That's a funny coming from an animal with a penis on his face."
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:29 am quote
Madison Sully wrote:
Jet Peddler wrote:
Come on guys, note the title of the thread.

Clean and Respectable Joke of the Day.

No offense, but please?
There may have been some instigation. Just sayin.

An elephant and a camel were talking. The elephant asked, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replied, "That's a funny coming from an animal with a penis on his face."
Point taken. Didn't think that one had crossed the line, but apparently so.
Enthusiast
300 GTS, Stella 4T
Joined: 29 Jun 2018
Posts: 58
Location: EPX
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:30 am quote
Is this better...?

I was cruising down the Jersey Turnpike the other day and I came upon a toll booth. There was a sign that said, "Stop Get Ticket".
So I drove right through...
I didn't want to get a ticket.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Sat Jul 07, 2018 5:37 am quote
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Aww, I wish my friends were still here."
Ossessionato
LXV 150 Midnight Blue
Joined: 06 Dec 2010
Posts: 2124
Location: Karawang
Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:32 am quote
Now Brazil is out of the cup Neymar is on his way to Thailand to teach the trapped soccer players how to dive.


Aagh: I just opened an NSR thread. Now my 1 score is in doubt

Last edited by waspmike on Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:38 am; edited 1 time in total
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:34 am quote
waspmike wrote:
Now Brazil is out of the cup Neymar is on his way to Thailand to teach the trapped soccer players how to dive.
And what a diver he is. So tired of his act.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Sat Jul 14, 2018 1:02 am quote
crammed
Our lass crashed her car this morning....... she told the police that the man she collided into was on his mobile & drinking beer from a can at the time ....... the police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted as it was his own garden
Ossessionato
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Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Tue Jul 17, 2018 11:52 am quote
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.
Ossessionato
Kymco Like 200i (Sold)
Joined: 04 Jun 2012
Posts: 2325
Location: San Jose, CA
Tue Jul 17, 2018 12:01 pm quote
What do chemists' dogs do with their bones?

They barium
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:10 am quote
mushrooms
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?......

Its not hard.
Ossessionato
Kymco Like 200i (Sold)
Joined: 04 Jun 2012
Posts: 2325
Location: San Jose, CA
Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:22 am quote
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.
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