NSR - Jet Peddler's clean and respectable Joke of the Day
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Hooked
1986 Honda Elite 150 (sold), 2009 Scarabeo 200 (sold), 2007 GTV "Pazzo"
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 298
Location: Talent, Oregon
Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:11 pm quote
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for Chapstick. The druggist says,
Will that be cash or credit?










And the duck says, "You can put it on my bill."


(have to give credit to Mike Reiss for this one!)
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Jul 19, 2018 7:36 am quote
Why are frogs always so happy?






They eat what ever bugs them.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:02 am quote
A man goes to confession in Amsterdam:

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, my son?

During WW2 I hid a Jew in my attic.

Well, that's not a sin, that's a good deed.

But I made him promise to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed.

Well, that's not good but you did it for a good cause.

Okay, but I have one other question.

What is it, my son?


Do I have to tell him the war's over?
Hooked
1986 Honda Elite 150 (sold), 2009 Scarabeo 200 (sold), 2007 GTV "Pazzo"
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 298
Location: Talent, Oregon
Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:33 am quote
It's closing time at the bar. A guy is lying on the floor. Bartender picks him up but he collapses. Bartender picks him up again but the guy just collapses again. He tries a third time with the same result. Losing patience, he carries the guy out to his car, deposits him on the back seat. He finds the guy's address in his wallet and drives him home. Carries him up to the front door but the guy just collapses again. Bartender rings the bell. After a moment the guy's wife opens the door. Bartender informs her, "I brought your drunken bum of a husband home. There he is." She looks down at the guy, then back at the bartender.


"Did you bring his wheelchair?" she asks.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:35 am quote
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?


It's butt.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Jul 20, 2018 6:18 am quote
I wouldn’t be so paranoid if everybody wasn’t after me.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Fri Jul 20, 2018 7:16 am quote
My company put me up in a pretty low-class hotel.

I called the desk to complain "I've got a leak in my sink."


They said, "Go ahead."
Enthusiast
GTS300 Honda Silverwing
Joined: 06 May 2010
Posts: 80
Location: Ashford, Middlesex, England
Sun Jul 22, 2018 1:50 am quote
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Why the long face?”.

Ghost floats into a wine bar.
Bartender says, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits”.

Stressed business man to overworked secretary:
“Miss Jones, please call me a taxi”
Overworked secretary to stressed business man:
Certainly. Mr Smith, you are a taxi”

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful means against the law.
Illegal is a sick bird of prey.

A small boy is walking along, pulling a piece of string behind him.
A man stops him and asks:
“Why are you pulling a piece of string?”
The small boy replies:
“Have you ever tried pushing a piece of string?”

Is reincarnation condensed reindeers milk?
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Sat Jul 28, 2018 7:47 pm quote
Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Sun Jul 29, 2018 1:12 am quote
I think our lass is having an affair ...... for two years she claims to have been going to classes ....... yet still can't speak a word of Zumba.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2008 MP3 500, 2013 BV350
Joined: 13 Oct 2012
Posts: 5979
Location: Ashburn, Va. Home to the Internet
Sun Jul 29, 2018 5:27 am quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
Why are frogs always so happy?






They eat what ever bugs them.
We try that and it's called cannibalism
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jul 30, 2018 6:47 am quote
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jul 30, 2018 6:57 am quote
Top 10 Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral:

1. Geez, what died in here?

2. He looks natural but that tie doesn't go with that shirt.

3. Nice service...where's the keg?

4. When did he die... Really... Hey Bob, you won the pool!

5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking
for... Oh, never mind.

6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

7. Damned straight they touched him up. He's never looked so good.

8. Not to be a pain, but there's leaking out of the casket.

9. Hey, there's the ring I loaned him! Bob, gimme a hand here...

10. Well at least he's not getting any fatter.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Mon Jul 30, 2018 9:30 am quote
I can add one from personal experience...

My 93 year old grandmother had passed away, and I went to pay my respects. My mother was standing in back with an acquaintance who I'd say had socialite status in town and presumably always had the right words.

I went up to the casket, and on returning stopped by my mom and her friend. Her first words were..."Your skin looks so nice, just like your grandmothers!"

I had no words for a moment, but then they came...

"Gee, do you think I should lie down?"

I'm certain she was so proud at having said something original that the whole thing went right over her head.

One of the weirdest experiences of my life.....
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Jul 30, 2018 10:10 am quote
I have a similar experience, although not too humorous at the time. I do find it funny now (sort of).

A friend at work lost her infant son to a very aggressive form of brain cancer at about the age of 18-24 months. I attended the funeral which was quite moving.

At the end of the service I was waiting to greet her and her husband in the receiving line on the way out of the church. I passed him first (tears in his eyes) and the only thing that blurted out of my mouth was "How's it going?"

I felt like one huge heel.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Mon Jul 30, 2018 12:14 pm quote
uppington
To whoever stole my antidepressants. ....... I hope you're happy with yourself
Ossessionato
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:57 am quote
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

Helium doesn't react.
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Aug 03, 2018 7:42 pm quote
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 LX150 2015 GTS 2013 BV 350
Joined: 13 Sep 2012
Posts: 7536
Location: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Tue Aug 07, 2018 9:51 am quote
Two hunters are out in the woods, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy pulls out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasped," My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he is dead." There is a silence. Then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the man says "O.K., Now What?"
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Tue Aug 07, 2018 9:10 pm quote
cheque please
I hate my job as a waiter......

But it puts food on the table
Ossessionato
LX150, GTS300, BV350, EN650
Joined: 26 Jul 2017
Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Aug 09, 2018 5:34 am quote
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
Ossessionato
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:20 pm quote
A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"
Ossessionato
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:49 am quote


cool beans.jpg

Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Sat Aug 11, 2018 2:40 am quote
leave it
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra.

Grandma took it pretty hard.
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:44 pm quote
My grandfather was a baker in the army.








He went in all buns glazing.
Ossessionato
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Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:44 pm quote
After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.







She has the worst stutter ever.
Ossessionato
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:45 pm quote
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.








He’s a Boxer.
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Fri Aug 31, 2018 9:59 am quote
There's a geordie bloke that said he could tell the make of any sparkplug by pushing it up his bum .... first one in "easy that's a bosch .... second "easy again that's a ngk" ...... then the third "oooooooh that's champion"
Molto Verboso
2009 GTS 250, 2013 Buddy 125, 2014 Triumph Bonneville
Joined: 23 Apr 2016
Posts: 1310
Location: North Jersey
Fri Aug 31, 2018 12:00 pm quote
T5bitza69 wrote:
There's a geordie bloke that said he could tell the make of any sparkplug by pushing it up his bum .... first one in "easy that's a bosch .... second "easy again that's a ngk" ...... then the third "oooooooh that's champion"
I guess someone didn't read the thread title?
Ossessionato
MP3 500, GTS 250 (both 2008 MY), 2010 Can Am Spyder RT-S, 2012 Honda NC700 DCT
Joined: 02 Mar 2013
Posts: 4764
Location: Madison, Wisconsin
Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:42 pm quote
Vintage1 wrote:
T5bitza69 wrote:
There's a geordie bloke that said he could tell the make of any sparkplug by pushing it up his bum .... first one in "easy that's a bosch .... second "easy again that's a ngk" ...... then the third "oooooooh that's champion"
I guess someone didn't read the thread title?
Personally I read "bum" as "nose".
Ossessionato
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Location: Home of the Alamo
Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:24 am quote
There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by. It read: "Johnson's Dry Cleaners: Working on the same spot for 72 years.'”
Hooked
'04 Stella 2T GB150 '15 Genuine Roughhouse 50 '17 Kawasaki Versys 650
Joined: 08 Jun 2012
Posts: 328
Location: Philadelphia
Tue Sep 04, 2018 4:37 am quote
I used to date nuns.




I just couldn't get into the habit.
Ossessionato
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Posts: 4379
Location: Home of the Alamo
Tue Sep 25, 2018 10:55 am quote
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a 700 Series BMW?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Ossessionato
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Sun Oct 21, 2018 1:14 pm quote
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Hooked
'04 Stella 2T GB150 '15 Genuine Roughhouse 50 '17 Kawasaki Versys 650
Joined: 08 Jun 2012
Posts: 328
Location: Philadelphia
Mon Oct 22, 2018 3:53 am quote
I have a lot of dirty habits....











The nuns gave me their laundry.
Ossessionato
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Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:03 am quote
RoaringTodd wrote:
I have a lot of dirty habits....











The nuns gave me their laundry.
Good one.
Addicted
2008 GTS 250, 1979 P200E
Joined: 11 Jan 2006
Posts: 829
Location: Florence, OR
Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:10 am quote
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?


A pumpkin patch!
Veni, Vidi, Posti
2007 Vespa LX 190, 2011 LXV150ie
Joined: 26 Oct 2008
Posts: 8583
Location: Annapolis, MD, USA
Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:21 am quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Great one, Peddler! This has always been one of my favorite clean jokes.

Thanks for reminding me of some of the details in the set-up to the punch line.
Addicted
2008 GTS 250, 1979 P200E
Joined: 11 Jan 2006
Posts: 829
Location: Florence, OR
Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:00 pm quote
Why can you not trust atoms?


Because they make up everything!
Ossessionato
LXV 150 Midnight Blue
Joined: 06 Dec 2010
Posts: 2124
Location: Karawang
Mon Nov 12, 2018 5:37 pm quote
If a dolphin dies with no money . Will they be given a porpoise funeral?
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