NSR - Jet Peddler's clean and respectable Joke of the Day
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Hooked
GTS 300ie Touring
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Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:35 pm quote
A horse walked into a bar, the barman said "why the long face?"

A man walked into a bar, he said "ouch!".
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Wed Nov 14, 2018 7:28 pm quote
A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

Skeleton replies, "A beer. And a mop."
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Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:33 pm quote
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
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Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:34 pm quote
E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”
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Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:36 pm quote
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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Thu Nov 15, 2018 8:51 pm quote
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.

The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
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Thu Nov 15, 2018 8:55 pm quote
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
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Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:41 am quote
back
my girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing household appliances.. ........

well she’s in for a shock
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Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:52 pm quote
A Man Walks Into a Bar, and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer."

The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"

"If it's as amazing as that hamster, then sure," the bartender replies.

So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.

As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, "What a performer! I'll give you $500 for that frog."

The first man says, "It’s a deal!" and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. "Not that it's any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it."

The man says, "Nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:55 pm quote
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice, but he can’t tell where it’s coming from.

"Hey, mister! I like your tie!" it says.

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anything, and decides to shrug it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip, and another tiny voice pipes up.

“Hey, hey, mister! Nice shoes!”

Again, he looks around, but he sees nothing but the bartender who is busy taking some other customers’ orders. Shaking his head, he takes another sip.

“Hey, mister! I like your haircut!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated, and signals to the bartender, who walks over, polishing a glass.

“Hey, barkeep,” he says, “what’s with the high-pitched voices I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”
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Fri Nov 16, 2018 5:22 pm quote
How is a banjo like an artillery shell?
By the time you hear it, it's too late...
Hooked
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018
Posts: 273
Location: south Texas
Sat Nov 17, 2018 6:15 am quote
How is a banjo different from a mattress?

Nobody cares if you jump on a banjo with your boots on.
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:26 am quote
GREAT TRUTHS CHILDREN LEARN:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:27 am quote
GREAT TRUTHS ADULTS LEARN:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:28 am quote
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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2013 GTS 300 i.e.
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:22 pm quote
While I was in Madrid I was laying in bed sniffling and sneezing. I felt horrible and decided I needed medical attention. I called down to the concierge, who said their hotel doctor would be right up.

The doctor quickly came into the room and after a brief check of my symptoms gave me medicine that would make me feel better.

Taken aback by such prompt service, I asked the doctor how it could be that such a relatively small hotel could keep a doctor on hand for such things.

He just slowly shook his head and cracked a smile, “Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”
Molto Verboso
GTV300 (wife's)
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Location: Central New York
Sun Nov 18, 2018 3:03 pm quote
dmpawley wrote:
He just slowly shook his head and cracked a smile, “Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”
Molto Verboso
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Location: Central New York
Sun Nov 18, 2018 3:06 pm quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
I always heard it the other way. "Growing old is mandatory. growing up is optional"


But then I ride a Sportster with a sidecar or a Yamaha XS650 so what do I know?
Hooked
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 3:35 pm quote
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Sun Nov 18, 2018 3:40 pm quote
kshansen wrote:
dmpawley wrote:
He just slowly shook his head and cracked a smile, “Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”
Bring out... The comfy chair!!!
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Mon Nov 19, 2018 9:06 am quote
pantomime dame
I had a friend called Guy Chapman

Hes now Person Personperson thanks to them bloody feminists.
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Mon Nov 19, 2018 10:02 am quote
Re: pantomime dame
T5bitza69 wrote:
I had a friend called Guy Chapman

Hes now Person Personperson thanks to them bloody feminists.
I laughed.
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Honda Urban Express
Joined: 16 Nov 2018
Posts: 1
Location: NYC
Mon Nov 19, 2018 11:22 am quote
> On their way to the church to get married, a
> young Catholic couple
> were involved in a fatal car accident.
> Being
> good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting
> outside the Pearly Gates waiting
> for St.
> Peter to process them into
> Heaven.
> While
> waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get
> married in Heaven?When St. Peter showed up, they
> asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.
> This is the first time anyone has asked.
> Let me go find out" and he
> leaves them sitting at the Gate.
>
> After
> three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
> bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple
> " I can get you married in Heaven".

> "Great!" said the
> couple "But we were just wondering, what if things
> don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
> Heaven?
> "You must be bloody
> joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration,
> slamming his clipboard on the ground.
> "What's wrong?"
> asked the frightened couple".

> "OH,
> COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me
> three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any
> idea how long it'll take me to find a
> lawyer?"
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
Joined: 19 Feb 2009
Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:27 am quote
hula hoops
our lass asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by the monkees cos she found it annoying....... at first I thought she was kidding......

but then I saw her face.
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Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:16 pm quote
Re: hula hoops
T5bitza69 wrote:
our lass asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by the monkees cos she found it annoying....... at first I thought she was kidding......

but then I saw her face.
One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite groups, actually.
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Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:34 pm quote
A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Veni, Vidi, Posti
GTS 300ABS, Buddy 125, Typhoon 125
Joined: 29 Dec 2007
Posts: 10189
Location: Oregon City, OR
Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:39 am quote
Nautiker wrote:
How is a banjo like an artillery shell?
By the time you hear it, it's too late...
A banjo joke - well that invites a.....

A highly regarded accordion player has been playing all evening at a Milwaukee wedding,

On the way home he stops for a cup of coffee,

As he sits in the restaurant he suddenly remembers that he left the car unlocked with his accordian sitting on the seat in plain sight,

He jumps up and runs out to the car,

Too late, someone has already left another one!
Hooked
2009 GTS 250ie
Joined: 24 Mar 2018
Posts: 273
Location: south Texas
Sat Nov 24, 2018 10:35 am quote
The definition of perfect pitch: when you toss an accordion into a dumpster... and it lands on a banjo.

(rimshot)
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Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:43 am quote
Captain Jim wrote:
The definition of perfect pitch: when you toss an accordion into a dumpster... and it lands on a banjo.

(rimshot)
You've just insulted grandmothers everywhere.
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Kymco Like 200i (Sold)
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Posts: 2325
Location: San Jose, CA
Mon Nov 26, 2018 12:19 pm quote
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Veni, Vidi, Posti
T5s
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Posts: 16940
Location: The West Of Yorkshire ... Gods Country
Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:22 am quote
Coffee time
I've just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
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Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:52 pm quote
Nautiker wrote:
How is a banjo like an artillery shell?
By the time you hear it, it's too late...
made me smile
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Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:16 pm quote
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered.
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Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:02 pm quote
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
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2009 GTS 250 Super Lucrezia Borgia, 2013 Ducati Hyperstrada, Little Big Red
Joined: 04 Feb 2009
Posts: 2345
Location: Carrollton, Kentucky
Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:33 pm quote
Jet Peddler wrote:
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
Now that's funny.
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Sat Dec 08, 2018 9:58 am quote
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a young man so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect young man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:

“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
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