Modern Vespa

Years ago in a club in London, my mate bet me beers all night to approach the most outstandingly gorgeous girl in the place (long blonde hair, legs that go up to heaven, big front rack, etc)

So as I walk up behind her I cannot think of a single bloody thing to say and tapping her on the shoulder, she turns round.

"Hi!" I stammer

She proceeds to slowly look me up and down and retorts,

"I would have to be, to sleep with you!"

I looked so crest fallen as my jaw hit the deck that she took pity on me and bought me a drink! I then explained the reason I had approached her and so I would win the bet, she wrote her name and number on a piece of paper but, as she passed it over to me she said,

"Call me and I'll cut your balls off!

I went back to my mate and he spent the rest of the night begging me to tell him what my secret was with women. Little did he know and I never told him what really happened...

Many years ago, a young kid standing with all his mates called out to me " you fat bastard" I replied very calmly "Darling I might be fat but you are ugly, I of course can get rid of my fat" his mates nearly fell on the floor.

Per my screen name, most (if not all) of the truly excellent insults and retorts I have ever come up with have popped into my mind far too late to be of any use.

But since you mentioned awkward encounters with the fairer sex (something I've had no lack of):

Early one morning I rushed into a pretty young female coworker's office with an arm-full of files and a long list of urgent questions on my mind. The questions I had for her were dependent on the contents of several of the files, so I began speaking to her while leafing through the papers in my arms.

Almost immediately she cleared her throat and stopped me with an upraised hand; employing the classic Israeli 'wait' gesture with the palm upraised and the fingers and thumb meeting at the tips. When she had my full and undivided attention she asked: "Excuse me, did you sleep with me last night?"

I was sure I hadn't heard her correctly so I asked her to repeat the question. She fixed me with a pretty smile and said, "I asked if we slept together last night?"

I honestly didn't understand why she would ask me such a question since the answer was clearly 'No'... so I just stared at her with my mouth agape.

She let me stew in my confusion for a few seconds and then said, "If we'd spent the night together I could maybe understand you not offering a formal greeting today... but since we didn't sleep together last night, 'Good Morning' would be a nice way to start the day, don't you think?"

Ouch! Point taken.

have to be what??????

High. (Hi!)

Not really a put down, but when someone comes into my office and says they want to ask a question I immediately say, "Boxers". Then after a brief pause I follow up with, "Yes, boxers are my favorite breed of dog".

Three years ago, my mother's last words to me were:

"You are FAT. You should wear scrubs"
Her friend, who was there and who went to the same church we did, snickered.


I still haven't come up with a come back. Yeah... Last words.

My father used to accuse people of being from "Pinardville". It's a Manchester NH thing.

dunno about any insults or put downs that i use, but these offend me..

"when's it due" (about my gut)

"how come you don't ride a proper bike" (about my scoot)

"it's not a proper scooter though, is it" (about my autos)

"ha! it's got stabilisers" (about my MP3)

blood's boiling just thinking about them

I'm really more in the camp of withering looks and posh politeness. As Reginald D Hunter notes, its pretty hard to know when English people have cussed you - you realise about three weeks later...

I find just being overtly polite but actually really insulting at the same time rarely fails to get a reaction. It winds people up very, very badly. But then, its actually part of my job to do this, so I'm pretty good at it. If you can, as a lawyer, provoke the other side into losing their rag, they will probably lose the case too.

Did this thread start as a result of Jillian's experience?
I second Wonder Machine's attitude.
We have a saying in the South about "killing them with kindness."
Generally it disarms the rudeness and prevents you from stooping to the offender's level of incivility.

Nothing in recent memory equals Queen Elizabeth's recent tirade on a certain rotund NJ politician. sadly not true...

Been married near 32 years, but as I remember it Women were only looking for security . . . or at least that's what they'd yell as I approached them at the bar . . .


To answer put-downs I have a ready response (I am a teacher now - so I hear all manner of insult and questions about teacher qualifications - typically followed by "No offense!")
I tell them "No worries, I've been called worse <pause> by better."

The best turn down for a date request I ever received:

"I'd love to; sadly Saturday night is when I re-arrange my canned goods..."

John

I cut this out of a newspaper many years ago and have held it in a revered place ever since. Finally, I get to reveal its beauty.

For absolute wit and sarcasm, you cant beat some of Winston Churchill's put downs. Here's a couple of my favourites:

When I come up on a person who has parked in an obnoxious manner (taking up multiple spots, making a spot, parks in such a way so others cannot parallel park in front of or behind), and have the pleasure of seeing them getting into or out of their car...

'I hope you f*ck better then you park.'

My perennial go-to is:

"My mother taught me if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all."

A couple of weeks ago, at the age of 29, she actually said that to me. It took me quite a while to stop laughing and explain why I wasn't insulting her.

David

Although not a put down, whenever someone offers me a coffee they usually say,

"How do you take it?"

Referring obviously to whether you want milk and sugar. I always reply,

"In a cup because it tends to dribble through my fingers!"

---

As a put down, I have always been fond of,

"That's the two things I love about you- Your face!"

But, my absolute favourite is,

"If you had one more brain cell, you'd be a plant!"

If you know where I work, you would not be surprised to know that I use that quite a lot!

GHB "Norn Irish" word

The Harley guys that always tell me to get a real bike: "I can't afford the costume."

I'd tell you but I don't want to get a "This isn't quite what we're looking for".

I had a rather rotund woman tell me quite firmly to kiss her ass.

"Well that's a project that would take me all f**king day!"

"Listen Sir, (or Ma'am) I didn't say you were stupid, I only commented that you are unlucky at thinking."

And no, I will not loosen the handcuffs.

There was a comedian, who once said that he approached a woman in a bar, while drunk, and asked her if her parents were retarded, because she sure looked special! Haven't had the guts to use that one!

Another joke was that there was a greeter at Walmart, who said to an incredibly ugly woman, that her twins were cute. She angrily responded that he was obviously blind and stupid, because the one child was clearly a few years older than the other. The greeter responded that he wasn't blind or stupid. He just couldn't believe that someone would have sex with her more than once! Then he said have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Walmart!!

A friend and I walked into the lobby of the Hotel Le St-James in Montreal with the intention of visiting the bar, but the guy at the desk took one look at us and said, "Perhaps I can recommend an establishment more in keeping with your taste."

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned that classic Southern put down, used last year by a U.S. presidential candidate in reference to another candidate, "Well bless his/her heart". It's used to imply that yes, your intentions are well meaning, but you are an IDIOT!

In Utah where I grew up we used to use "She has a sweet spirit" meaning she is a great fun loving and kind person on the inside, but the outside leaves much to be desired.

Another time a coworker and I were having a spirited discussion, I forget about what. At one point he replied "I'm a lover not a fighter" whereas I replied with "And how's that going for you." SNAP!

And finally, I heard this comeback from a friend in Germany when talking about discrimination and racism: "I don't dislike you because you are XXXXX (insert favorite race/sex/religion/lifestyle choice). I dislike you because you are WRONG!"

A couple of favorites...

"I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid."

"Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people everywhere."

A coworker thought she was Gods gift to the world. We couldn't stand her. She was at one time a bodybuilder, and bragged she "had the body of a 21 year old" a quick thinking buddy commented "Maybe but shes got the face of an 81 year old". That still makes me smile to this day! Lessons learned: don't brag and don't go to tanning salons.

I knew a physician who, when fed up with one of his minions incompetence, said 'you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel'. I don't say it out loud, but I sure think it often......

Thad

"You are the closest thing to an idiot I've ever seen!"

(response)
"Oh, am I crowding you?"

Marx
(Groucho, of course)

Mr. F

One of my favourites from a movie (can't remember of which movie it is from)

"Son, your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash"

Last time I saw a face like yours it had a hook in it.
--- a comment to me from my brother Tom

Best
Miguel

from Rodney Daingerfield.....


Psychiatrist: You're crazy.

Rodney: I want a second opinion.

Psychiatrist: OK, you're ugly, too.

sorry its been too hot lately

top gun

An anecdote, (I think with someone of some celebrity, but I can't place it for now)....

Bald man was sitting at a table, someone walks past, strokes his pate and tells him "that's as smooth as my wife's backside."

His response: "Yes, it is!"

After the offensive exchange has ended and it's time to leave, I tell them, "See you next Tuesday."