Modern Vespa

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"



A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was
$2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Wisconsin , they went to Sven's Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well,
here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance
Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00".

I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
Two litres of low-fat milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 200gram jar of coffee
A 1 kg. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , "Yes you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

Nearly peed myself watching this:

That brought tears to my eyes

Took my youngest grandson out for his first pint today.
Got him a Fosters.....he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Bitter, Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

This post was not quite
What we were hoping to see
Try again, perhaps?

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

This post was not quite
What we were hoping to see
Try again, perhaps?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

Can I please be told why my last post here was deleted? If I have offended anyone or done wrong I apologise. I also need to know which guidelines I have crossed so I don't repeat the transgression.
Ashbrook

To all-

Sadly, things in this thread are walking on a tight rope in regard to racial, religious and/or political sensitivities. More than one member has been offended. That ain't what the forum is here for.

Think before you post.

AND - trying to discuss or ask specifics will only exacerbate things. From my view, the thread is about one ill-advised post away from being binned. So if you can't find humor that is totally within the guidelines, go read a book. We don't need a thread that becomes a collecting pot of borderline humor.

Your taste for alsatians is well known. Watch your step...we've got our eye on you!


Too soon?

In all seriousness. My guess is that either the mod who deleted it didn't read your post closely, or has never had the pleasure of meeting you in person. I'm guessing the latter.

I am not going to start a verbal fight with anyone and I have a healthy respect for this forum, its members and the moderators that keep things civil. I do not want to be the subject of censorship and I do not want to censor others. I respectfully question why either post had to go and why mine was deemed to most inappropriate. Actually that was rhetorical because I already know the reason for that. I am truly baffled.

It can often appear 'odd' because only one action at a time can be taken by a moderator. It can then get even more confusing when two or more moderators are working on the same 'problem'.

And with that this topic gets locked.