Modern Vespa

My Mom has been gone 4 years now... and I can't stop beating myself up over every time I let her down or was not there for her.

My friends warned me...they told me in the middle of her long illness (4 years) that I would regret not being there.

But I was so busy, new house, boyfriend with kids, new job... I tried to go back and forth, but I just couldn't keep doing it. It was exhausting, driving 5 hours to sit in the hospital in Detroit or at the home.

I should have been there one weekend. Instead I stayed home. I was just so tired. So I told my Mom I couldn't make it. Too much work. Instead of visiting her, I went riding all weekend. It was great. Great weather, visiting friends. I had an great time.

But then later, after she became sicker, I really regreted it. How could I have put my fun ahead of the woman who gave me so much?

Now she is gone. She never approved of my riding a scooter. She didn't really like my boyfriend. But I know she did love me very much. I still feel like I let her down, in so many ways. She never asked for anything. Did I give back enough? Did she know she was everything to me? Everything I am, I got from her, my creativity, my stubbornness, my wild streak. It's all her.

Whenever I ride past a house with lovely flowers, I think of her. She loved her garden. And that's one thing I did not inherit for I have the brownest of thumbs. And everytime I ride, I say to myself, "Now Ma, I know you don't like the scooter, but it's a beautiful day, so come ride with me." I hope she does. Sometimes when I smell the flowers, I swear I can smell her perfume.

I love you Mom.

What a touching memorial. I had my mom over for dinner and thanked her for her patience and letting me live ;o)

Remember the good times, not the bad. I miss my mom every day, and she's been gone 16 years.

Nice tribute to your mom....bittersweet as it is. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard to get it right. We make mistakes. We could always have done much better in hindsight.

Fortunately for me, my mom is still alive. I've had some moments already where I feel I'd let her down.... what's nice is being able to move on and try to make up for it. There are still times, though, that there's too much work, too much family, too many demands to give her the time I think she really deserves. She understands, and takes what I can give, but it won't be too long and she'll be gone, and I'll miss her and be in your shoes, regretting every missed opportunity to make her life better.

For anyone who still has the chance, make it a great Mother's Day!

You looking back is a sign of love and devotion to your Mom. How precious it is to look back and reconsider your life.

We should all be so brave.

People are forever.
-Doug

Our mothers' disappointments that we caused and belatedly want to fix do not need our effort, because those disappointments were the fear all loving mothers like yours, my wife's, and my own have suffered for their wanting better for us, their children, than they could make happen by THEIR effort. I suspect that our riding, our boyfriends or girlfriends who we may have married or not are enjoyed by our mothers with a new, expanded meaning once given to enjoy transcendence of time and place by increased mindfulness, uninhibited by habitual, stultifying patterns. You, Belkwinith, give wonderful expression to your thinking, loving, and association of material elements that keep you mindfully in close relationship with your mother, as I do with mine and with my wife's now that they, too, are gone/not gone.

Your mother loved you. Absolutely and unconditionally. She was thankful for every moment that you spent together and never once begrudged you the freedoms you earned.

Give yourself a break. Your Mom would have.

That is so very touching. We all have things we hope we could have done better, that is just human. Hang in there and have a great Mothers day, you certainly deserve it.

Don't beat yourself up. People can wait to die if they want someone around. Seen it too many times. Life gets in the way. She went on her own terms. Didn't make her love you any less. My mom died in '79. I was 25 at the time. I was with her and she waited until my friend could get there. It was Easter and she told my friend to look at the lovely roses i got her and closed her eyes for the last time. My dad died 5yrs earlier and i'm an only child. I wish i knew my parents as an adult. At 20 when my dad died i wasn't. I was better at 25 but there are many days i would love to pick up the phone and just talk. I know their still around. I will see them again one day. Happy Mothers Day to all.

Very touching. I needed to see that today. I think we all wish we could do better and certainly go back and change things. My mom is still her thankfully, but I feel your pain because sometimes I feel like I let my Father down. I need to not make the same mistake again.
My mom doesn't really like me riding either, but she doesn't give me a hard time about it.

Oh Belk stop blaming yourself. I bet she loved you as well. My Mom passed away when I was going to the university in the States. Folks in Brazil do not embalm the bodies and I would have to pay for first class plane tickets anyway at the last minute. Therefore I did not go to the funeral, etc. I used to feel somewhat like you but now I know that she forgave me.

My Mum died in 2009. She had pancreatic cancer and the 4 months she lived from her diagnosis had some happy moments, but for the most part it was torture for her and for my Dad, my brother and I. We all loved her incredibly much.

Her last 3 days were in hospital. We took her there and chatted to her for a couple of hours and she said she wanted to go to sleep now, told my Dad she had always loved him and we left for the night. The next morning she was in a coma and we had no more words with her. For two days we all sat at her bedside until my father could not sit there anymore. He was exhausted. I stayed on until he could return but she died that night. I was the only one here with her. Did this mean I loved her more than my Dad or brother - of course not! What really matters is the memories we shared when she was alive and well; the love we had for her and the love she had for us and the fact that we remain her family.

The moment of death is just a moment. You shared a lot more of her life than that. Do not beat yourself up about it. It is not necessary.

Oh man, but does this hit home. I'm sitting in my mothers rehab room feeling sorry for myself, thinking of all the places that I'd rather be. Mom had her knees replaced in November and just had back surgery. I spent about 3 weeks with her in December and am with her now. Your post is a kick in the pants for me to stop feeling sorry and enjoy the time I have with her. She's 76 and hopefully this surgery will let her live the remaining years mostly pain free.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

You guys are great folks. Make special times with your parents and loved ones. Fill their lives with great memories. That's all we have in the end.

Belk- I know how you feel. I lost my Mom last year, but I really feel like I lost her almost 10 years ago. My parents divorced when I was 20 and she moved back to the mainland. Shortly after, she was diagnosed with early onset dementia and everything went downhill very quickly from there. Pretty soon she wasn't the same person, and eventually I couldn't even understand what she was saying when we would talk on the phone. My biggest regret is not spending more time with her when she could still remember me, but it was part of how I (unfortunately) dealt with her illness.
I'm sure she'd wholeheartedly disagree with me riding a scooter and motorcycle, but she had her free-spirited hippie living in a commune thing and this is mine.
Been trying to type this damn response out for hours but every time I start to write a little more, I start to cry. So, I'm just going to stop here. I hope things get easier for all of us who seem to be carrying around these heavy feelings. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Belk - I know exactly how you feel. I just lost my mother a week ago (on 5/4) and she had been ill for a while.

She lived about 2.5 hours away, so it wasn't always easy for me to go see her. While I did get the chance to be with her quite a bit over the last few weeks of her life, I discovered I was beating myself up for not being there more often previously.

Keep your loved ones alive in your memories, that's all you can do.