Modern Vespa

When can eating birthday cake give you heartburn?














When you forget to blow out the candles.

Where to pencils go on vacation (stolen from a TV commercial)




Pennsylvania!

What do you call a short fortune-teller who's hiding from the police?














A small medium at large.

Why does Waldo always wear stripes?














Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?













Great food, but no atmosphere.

Yep.

What did the D.J. say to the vegetable farmer?














Lettuce turnip the beet!

Never trust people with graph paper.














They're always plotting something!

What did the coffee say to the cream on Valentine's Day?














It's hard for me to espresso myself, but I really love you a latte.

What did the cat on the smart phone say?














Can you hear meow?

When is a door not a door?














When it's ajar.

Poindexter the CalTech student rides across campus on a new bicycle, and arrives at the last class of the day, greeted by his friends, Bill and Steve.

Bill notices the bike, and says, "Sweet ride, Poindexter. Where'd you get it?"

Poindexter replies, "It's the craziest thing. I was coming from Beckman auditorium after a lecture by Stephen Hawking, and the most beautiful girl I've ever seen rode up on the sidewalk, jumped off the bike, tore off every stitch of clothing she had on, and threw them right on the ground."

"Wow! says Steve. "Then what happened?"

Poindexter says, "She walked right up to me, leaned in close, and whispered seductively in my ear, "Take what you want, big boy!"





























"Good call," said Steve. "Those clothes never would have fit you."

Why was the math teacher such a good dancer?














She had algorithm.

What do you get when you combine Star Wars and baseball?














The Umpire Strikes Out.

What do you call a cow with no legs?














Ground beef.

Why do dolphins make bad doubles partners?














They are terrified of approaching the net.

What did the curmudgeon eat on his birthday?














Crab cake.

I hate stereotypers.














They're all alike.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?














You might think it's R, but his first love be the C.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?














Poke her face.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.














She seemed surprised.

How do you make a kleenex dance?

















Put a little boogie in it.

I've given up asking rhetorical questions.


What's the point ?😜

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?














Outlaws are wanted.

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?












De-Calf-inated

What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhinoceros?













eliphino!

Why can't scooters stand up on their own?

Because they're too tired

I poured root beer in a square glass.














Now I just have beer.

What do you do with a sick chemist?















If you can't Curium, and you can't Helium, you might as well Barium.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?














One is very heavy. The other is a little lighter.

What did Zero say to Eight?














Nice belt!

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.














But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call a singing computer?














Adele.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?














A Labracadabrador.

So, I understand you have a Boy Scout troop.

Are they plotting a rebellion?

Rebellion?

Where do you think I source most of these lame jokes?

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.














Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I have the heart of a lion.














And a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?















Aye matey!

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other: "I need you to help me get to the other side!"















The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"