Modern Vespa

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

I just got booed by my family.

I didn't even make it to the punchline before my wife squinted her eyes at me in that I-know-you're-up-to-something-mr-man expression.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills.

Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Then there was their brother Beurth.

OK, so I know that Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, and Zeppo were not their real names.

So which one was Karl?

Well, no Karl, but Harpo's actual name was Adolph if that helps.

If a German woman yells "Nein, nein, nein" She is not giving you marks out of 10.

Just went to an emotional wedding.






Even the cake was in tiers.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swat.
"What are you doing"? she asked.
"Hunting flies" he replied.
"Oh, killed any"? she said.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" came the answer.
Intrigued, the wife asked "How can you tell them apart"?
Husband: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

Awkward...on several levels..

Brain cells die.
Skin cells die.
Even hair cells die.




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But FAT CELLS must have had a religious epiphany because they live forever.

What's the name of the dude who is always well-prepared for anything?


Justin Case.

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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

That's me 😁

Not in this weather

I don't know if you are aware, but Russia is considering unifying its time zones because there is a nine-hour difference between one side of the country and the other. Then the Russian Prime Minister went to Vladimir Putin and said: There is a problem with this idea. My family was on vacation and I called them to say good night and it was morning and they were at the beach.

- I called Olaf Scholz to wish him a happy birthday, but he said it was yesterday. I called Xi Jinping to wish him a Happy New Year, but he replied that it was tomorrow.
Putin replied: Yes, it happened to me too. I called Yevgeny Prigozhin's family to express my condolences, but his plane had not taken off yet.

So seriously, this is important, if you drink too much alcohol, three things will happen to you. First, your memory will start to go, and then...um...ah...hold on...gimme a second...it's...wait...aw crap! Lemme get back to you.

How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?

It gets a little pale.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…



Not Happy.

My friend Tony asked me to not say his name backwards

I sad Y not?



My Grandma is 80% Irish - her name is Iris

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals – IM LIVID

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

groan

I said to the Aerobics instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

She said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Fridays"

Police arrested two teenagers yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

Pascal tries to walk into a bar. The doorman won't let him in because there are already 100,000 Pascals in there.

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.

Her face lit up when she opened it.

What do Vlad the Impaler and Winnie the Pooh have in common?


The same middle name.

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much

I had a wonderful childhood.

Dad used to put me in tyres and would roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears.

My granddaughter who is in pre-school told me this one yesterday.

How do billboards communicate?


The use sign language.


So proud she takes after me

I can always tell when someone is lying.

I can tell when they're standing too.

Scientists finally discovered how to communicate with dolphins and it turns out that they have discovered the secret to an elixir which allows you to live forever. However, they are missing one ingredient and it can only be found on a remote island where a rare breed of seagull nests. The ingredient they are missing is contained in the gull's eggs.

A further complication is that man eating lions live on the island. The scientists agree to visit the island and retrieve the eggs and hit upon the plan of waiting until the lions are sleeping before attempting to collect the eggs. They succeed but are instantly arrested.

They were transporting underage gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.