Modern Vespa

Since it's the dead of winter for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, scooter weather is in short supply, and there's no surplus of bad weather. And honestly, this thread is just a thinly-veiled excuse to give us all a bit of amusement during these short days.

So with that out of the way, I'd like to start a new community-driven thread for everyone to contribute to.

Let's hear your best overheard, out-of-context snippets of conversation that make us laugh, scratch our heads, or maybe both.

I'll go first. Overheard today in my kitchen, and presented without context:

"This towel is broken".

Walked in on an argument between a network engineer from Hermosillo and a systems administrator from the 47th state in the Union, so I missed what prompted this zinger:

"All you New Mexicans are made in China!"

You had better get that sorted pronto before someone shows up wanting to build a bypass.

Heard in nursing home:
Visitor: plop,plop
Resident: fizz,fizz

Tonight, from my wife:

"Those horses are like, oh HELL no!"

Overhead conversion snippet between two men in a motorway service station café

so how many sideboards could you get in your loft?

Worst of it is, I didn't catch the reply!

Walked into a break room in a nursing home in West by-God Virginia to get a Diet Coke. Table of young nursing assistants engaged in conversation and I hear, "I don't care what anyone says, there's nothing wrong with marrying your cousin".

"It was too much pickle for half a sandwich!"

Heard on car radio news that a state legislator had introduced a bill stating that marrying your first cousin is no longer incest. I missed which state.

Stooooppppp!!! Away from the light!

"Now that my needs are satisfied, we can do whatever you want."

In a restaurant just put fork to mouth when an old lady on the next table said to the waitress " has anybody handed a scarf in I've displaced mine" , the brain was sending rapid signals to my mouth to expel the contents and the tear ducts was working overtime, that was when the War Department looked across the table and said control yourself she is elderly by that time all control was lost the tears was now running down the inside of my leg .

I was in a public toilet. The brand name for the urinal biscuit cover was EUROPEAN.

I am sure that is not the brand name, but indicates that this is for European urinals. They are deeper than North American ones, so that the average European can hang his 10inches in there in a relaxed manner... 😜

"He's British, of course he's a weirdo!"

A few days ago I was helping my boss who trying to sort out why a data visualization the intern developed was loading so slowly. While she was over my shoulder we waited for it to load. She had other business so she left my office for hers. As she was leaving she said loudly, "Call me when you get it up."

Everyone within earshot, the entire office of all women, immediatly began cracking up. First time I ever saw her blush.

Epilogue. She came in later and apologized. I said, "No worries. It is nothing a raise won't fix."

PS This is actually the second time this has happened. A female coworker said similar when I lived in Florida. I wonder if this means anything.

1967
My old hippie friend, leaving - and imagining he was speaking a foreign language.....

"El Segundo avocado, baby!"

O.S.

My 11yr old daughter said that to her Spanish teacher one day.
Teacher - "What's that supposed to mean?"
Daughter - " my father says it translates to, "may nothing large fly up your nose, today!"

Teacher was the only one who didn't laugh.

Years ago, when my brother lived in Dallas, we used to go on "pub crawls" with a friend of ours. We'd meet at the friend's apartment, then ride our bikes to a bar. The intention was to have a drink or two, then ride to another bar, etc. We'd never make it past the first bar. They let us park our bicycles inside.

One time, while I was throwing darts, the song on the jukebox stopped, and there was a delay before the next song started up. In that short span of near silence, a man at the bar said in a loud Texas accent:

The phrase - Artificial Turkey Teeth.

Heard that this morning.

Mid 90s I worked for an antique dealer and overheard this in the showroom -

'look at the veins on that'

Years ago, I walked into a highly technical discussion with our primary vendor who was getting frustrated and didn't really know how to explain one of their subprocesses...

"It's auto-magical!"

Still used as a punch line/inside joke 20+years later by some of us old-timers at work.

I can't get the top off the bottom of the barrel

From my dad years ago:
"This Thermos bottle keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. How does it know?"

While enjoying a coffee at the local breakfast place.

'Woah, that's a big bread! Looks like a finger.'

When my daughter was 6 she was playing in the yard with some friends - they were all inside her little playhouse just talking while the adults sat a few yards over. I got up at one point to go into the garage for something and I overheard my Ava explaining that the thumbs-up gesture we do in the U.S. is the equivalent of the middle finger in China. Theyre all just in there listening to her and nodding. I don't know where she heard that, but a week later I took her to a Chinese restaurant and, having remembered her little lesson in non-verbal communication, i gave our waiter the thumbs-up when he asked how the food was. I wish I had a photo of her expression.

Our front door is about 12 feet from the sidewalk so we hear a lot of snippets. A little while ago I heard a guy say, "The problem with that food is that it has too much flavor."

*Context Included*
Some years ago, I was having breakfast in a local diner. There was an older couple seated behind me, and she was giving him a load of grief because he didn't take his meds that morning. (I couldn't help but overhear.) I had a "light bulb" moment after a while; that was her way of showing concern for her hubby. I remember that to this day, and learned a lesson about looking a bit deeper into peoples' interactions. (Or maybe that was just his passive-aggressive way to yank her chain...)

Three phrases that I've already heard this week -

1. Artificial Turkey Teeth.

2. He was like " Nyaaaa" and I was like "Yhahhhh."

3 Fucking Big Nosed Twat.

Golden.

His privates are one quarter the size of his body.

Heard all over Phoenix metro this week, I'm tired of this damn cold!

Some random weather girl. I can't remember who or where:

It looks like we're in for a dry hump day.

Everyone likes a dry hump.

"It's not 'all the quaint-ants' it's ' old acquaintance'."

(Auld.)

Unless you're a camel.

One verse of a fondly remembered Rugby song...

The sexual life of the camel
Is stranger than anyone thinks.
At the height of the mating season
It tried to bugger the Sphinx!
But the Sphinx's posterior orifice
Was blocked with the sands of the Nile -
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile...

No US sports fan is gonna remember all them fancy words 'n such. We just moan out the instrumental riff from Seven Nation Army. And Song No. 2 for some odd reason.

Woo-hoo

Hitler of the Month. From Matt Taibbi

"America is a nation that can be defined in a single word: Asufutimaehaehfutbw"

I'm not even sure that's a Noun.

It scores highly in Scrabble though.

"Guess what I just found in the closet, and it wasn't me."