Modern Vespa

Neck Breaking Sonic Twists - Pretentious Music Critic.

"That's when I realized that she was a cloud demon."

At a gym in Tennessee, "He calls hisself Jesus (Spanish pronunciation) but I know for a fact his name is Jesus (English pronunciation) cause I saw his drivers license and it's spelled just like in the Bible".

So they certainly weren't calling out "Hey, Zeus!"?

He's given up bowling and is now a gym rat?

I've saved this receipt for years! I keep trying with the idea of making a T-shirt that says:

Jesus called out to me, but my voicemail was full.

https://www.theonion.com/christ-getting-in-shape-for-second-coming-1819569039

Just push a little harder. It needs some lube.

sometimes 'No Context' can be a good thing

"Holla dolla mofo bitch. Nomeen mofo huh. Holla dolla mina muthafucka. How she gon dodat?"

Somebody watching Pootie Tang on the background?

I love this thread.

It was a homeless guy, so there's no telling what the context was that inspired his outburst.

We need more in gnaw bone.

"Is the damp box getting too warm?"

While walking up to a plane with two people inside prepping for paint repair, "You're going to get a really good check for that".

Apologies this one's gonna be a little longer than the rest:

Came home early from work yesterday. Heard the missus' voice in the bathroom. The door was shut, the fan was on.

I thought I heard her say "Please don't lick my foot."

My ears perked up. She didn't know I was home. 5 seconds later:

"Seriously, stop. Don't lick my foot. It's weird. I'm naked. Don't do that."

Uh... what? We're not vanilla people, but we're not into feet either... or so I thought.

Our house gets pretty dry during the winter with dry air from the furnace blasting to keep the place warm, but the bathroom gets really steamy whenever she takes one of her scalding hot showers.

"Everything ok in there?"

"Oh you're home... Yeah, come in."

A wall of steam hit my face. On the other side was the missus with my old doggo at her feet. She brought the pup in the bathroom to get her out of the dry air while she showered, then apparently the pup got thirsty

Because we all know that the Bible was written in English.

Yeah we wrote that story.

You're welcome.

Thank you for calling.

"There's nothing sexy about a Taryn Rose shoe."

Jaime picked up the fancy Spanish in Elgin.

Six large black men got on the elevator at the loft building where I used to live, along with a cute lesbian cop and myself.

Guy #1: "I need a shot right now."
Guy #2: (Turned to the cop and asked), "Did you hear him?"
Guy #2: (To Guy #1), "She can hook you up right now."
Guy #1: (Turned & saw she was a cop), "Not that kind."

She just smiled.

"intuitive animal autopsy examinations"

There's a "Jesus take the wheel" joke in there somewhere; I just know it.

"If there was actually a Purge, I wouldn't go out and murder anyone. I'd go out and try to find a way to reduce my student loan debt."

Boomy in my eyes excessive. Orange colour and fast.

Sounds like Nadsat Droogspeak.

Well it was from a Brit devotchka in a youtube chat I frequent so..

DeVotchKa

I miss being able to have a walk in the garden Margaret.

Aren't you able to walk Jean?

Yes, but I haven't got a garden now.

"You can just tell your little Russian girlfriend to shut up."

"No, you can't have it back. I stole that fair and square."

The phrase "Fixer Upper" said by a German Lady in Germany.

'Was MLK alive in 1989?'
'No. But the Berlin Wall came down in 1989.'
'Thats just ridiculous talk.'

"What's wrong with you, something?"

This sounds like dialog from a depressing Norwegian play.

"AIG is losing money because of the taint."

Another Austrian mention.

Stick Figure Hitler. Said by a Barista this morning.