Modern Vespa

Oh, you mean my wife? A jacket and jeans. She was sitting in a booth. So unless he had x-ray vision, I'll stop you right there.

No offence.

He got the idea somewhere...

(an elderly couple on electric shopping scooters in Jo Ann Fabric):
Him: Where are you going now?
Her: I don't know, crazy, I guess.

I don't know if this qualifies as without context, but it's at least one of the best non sequiturs I've ever heard.

My wife and I were standing in the dining room after I got home from work talking about something. I don't even remember what, but we were both on the same topic, when all of a sudden she blurted out :

"I saw the coolest forklift I have ever seen today."

She doesn't work outside the home and I knew she hadn't been anywhere that day and I also know her well enough to know for certain she doesn't spend her time watching forklift videos online ...

Truth is, she HAD seen a cool forklift make a delivery across the street that day, but it was completely out of the blue.

I'd just set out for a run this afternoon when I passed two old dears walking towards me from the other direction. As I passed by one turned to the other and said:

I'd love to take Posh Sue out for a pint

I don't know what was said before or after, but I do know I spent the rest of my run wondering about Posh Sue.

A literal translation of the German phrase 'vorsprung durch technik' would be 'Advancement Through Technology' apparently

I suppose the poop-knife is used to aid 'advancement'

A better translation is "headstart by technique" with all the sports association, but Technik is often used as shorthand for Technologie, so you have a point.

Let's just bend 'im over and fuck 'im!

(context can be added if anyone is curious)

No thanks, I'm good.

Overheard in real (office) life:

- Who will drive?
- I'm sorry guys, I just put my car into a charger
- Mine's empty too, I just drove to the office
- For f*ck's sake, doesn't anyone has a car with a proper engine that we could actually use?!

Heard on the Phil Donahue show during the 70's
"It's perfectly fine to lock your kid in the closet and feed him through a slot in the door"

Clearly that stuck with me, causally eating a snack after school, thanking the gods that my single parent was at work. Whew dodged that bullet.


Oh and Today "Pretty Garbage"

They only have to rebuild one bridge okay?

Car manufacturers don't know if a timing belt is an interference fit until one breaks and the valves crash. True Story

Women usually speak and respond well to indirect conversation, be berry carful when they speak directly, end of confession

"The light in my hippo went so I have to research if it can be replaced "

My brother, this morning.

"He had set up a sniper's nest, like John Wilkes Booth."

Turkey slapping mutha fukka . Bahahaha . Random I no.

My Wife: "You should put your sausage away".
Me: "I bet you say that to all the guys".

Where should we send flowers?

"11 o'clock, and no one had heroin in their anus."

Best pay attention to this latest research, Jess:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but
do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

I think you buried the lede, here!

"I keep a knife in my vagina. Take it out, I don't want to catch another charge."

"Why do you keep a knife in your vagina?"

"Because I can."

This post was not quite
What we were hoping to see
Try again, perhaps?

FFS, Veloce Vulture, how is that you don't understand what our prohibition on politics means?

I've read enough of the forum that it's arbitrarily enforced. But I'll try to avoid it, okay?
Sorry, runs off to another social media platform to cry. 😂
Not.

I took my dad to get his hearing aids adjusted and when we walked back into the waiting room he said loudly: "At least they got the bleeding to stop!"

As we sat down I could tell he was holding in a giggle!

Dad sounds like a real card!

"Attention please, attention please, this is a test of the overhead speaker system. Please disregard."

Where I worked, in a huge factory, every Monday morning they played a tape to test the system. The guy who recorded that tape must have had marbles in his mouth at the time. His speech was barely understood, but it did come out loud and clear.
Someone with some pull must have complained, because they eventually recorded a woman's voice that came through just fine.
As an apprentice, I got to repair some of the amplifiers in the shop.
Good times!

My name is Foreskin, I'm withdrawing now...

Sometimes the titles to the threads here are amusing without reading the posting to get the context. For example;

"NSR buying a box of squirrels."

"That chick has a huge balalaika"

I was in Vegas a good 10 years ago and overheard an incredulous woman:
"Who just f*cks Mike Tyson!?"

"I like big balalaikas and I cannot lie."

-Sir смешивание-невпроворот

"But I do feel like I've been kissed on the dick by a fairy."

(It was not sexual)

"I'm doing the perfect thing ... I'm actually dragging the knife toward myself, which is always the perfect way to use a fine knife like this."

That would make a good saying on a T-Shirt.

Do you want to hold your plums ? Overheard this morning.

"colder than a break-up text"

I saw a German pub band with 4 bald men named the FourSkins....