Modern Vespa

What connects owning a Vespa with having an ugly girlfriend who is great in bed.


It's great fun until your friends find out.


Bill - burning in hell for that one.

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear .... cheers for creating another thread that will require 24-hour surveillance

please try and keep this somewhat tidy folks ... remember this is a family forum.

In before thread lock is applied.

Genie I thought long and hard before I wrote this inuendo.

I'm ashamed already.

Family room got it.

Genie I'm sorry I promise I'm not going to add to this thread.

Oh just lock it before anyone else sees it.
I'm actually shaking my head as I type this.
Sorry Genie.

oh, go ahead and add all you like .... family-friendly jokes only puh-leeze:

'knock knock'

'who's there?'

'orange'

'orange who?'

'orange you glad i didn't say lemon?'

now that's what i'm talking about! wooo hooo! let the humorating begin!!! *wipes away tears of laughter*

Last night I went to a pub quiz in a really rough part of town.
Question one was - what are you looking at ?
Bill X

Funny clean jokes...?

Funny clean jokes...?

Funny clean jokes...?

Nope, don't know any.

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle fora walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it withgasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise thescent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

A masked gunman walks into a bank. He points the gun at the cashier and commands her to fill it with cash from the safe. She obeys him, as petrified witnesses in the bank look on. Suddenly the robbers mask slips, then completely falls off to reveal his identity. The robber is furious, and as the cashier finishes loading the last of the money into the bag he says:

"Would you recognise me in a police line-up, if you were to see me again?"

"Yes" says the cashier, "I probably would"

BANG, the robber shoots her dead on the spot. The onlookers in the bank shudder. The robber then looks at another witness in the bank, and says...

"Would you recognise me if you saw me again in a police line-up?"

"Well..." replies the bystander, " Maybe, I might at a push, yes quite possibly I`d say"

BANG. The robber shoots him dead. He then gathers the money in the bag, and bolts for the door. He then sees a very elderly couple looking straight at him. The elderly man`s bossy wife is positioning him to protect her from the robber.

"Hey, old man " says the robber, "Would you recognise...."

"I`m sorry to interrupt" says the old man," But I haven`t got my glasses with me, and I can`t see a thing," cries the old man. "But I`ll tell you what..." the old man pauses, "... the wife however....... why,she never forgets a face!!!"

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders

three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.


When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat

after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in

Australia , the other is in Dublin .

When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this

way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for

each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.&n

bsp;

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take

notice and fall silent.When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her

eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband

and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

a horse walks into a bar - the bartender says 'why the long face?'

Oh dear what have I started ?

If time and space are relative why didn't they come to my birthday party?

Regards Bill

this one's a riddle:

what goes up the chimney down and down the chimney down but won't go down the chimney up or up the chimney up?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
an umbrella.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse.
'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse ?' asks the owner.
'A female horth', the dwarf replies.

The owner takes him to his finest mare.
'Nithe horth', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyth?'
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
'Nithe eyth', says the dwarf. 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
'Nithe teeth. Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but, again,
picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nithe eerth', says the dwarf. 'Can I see her twot?'

With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves
his head deep inside the horse's rear end and holds him
there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should
weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?'

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrot?"

What was the best thing before sliced bread ?
Bill X

What is an occasional table the rest of the time???

I've got a dirty joke: A white horse fell in the mud. Oh wait. That's racist.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan, that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard"c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell ?

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!" "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!' They haggled back and forth for awhile and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: Norm, Hi and Max .

Please just fill this thread with joy.
Just keep it clean to Genie won't blame me.
Enjoy the smiles.
Regards Bill with a smirk

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OFWORDS)
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
12. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
13. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
14. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
15. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
16. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
17. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
18. A bicycle can't stand alone: it is two tired.
19. A will is a dead giveaway.
20. Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana.
21. A backwards poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts: in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
23. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
24. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
25. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
26. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-Flat miner.
27. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
28. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
29. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
30. You are stuck with your debt ifyou can't budge it.
31. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
32. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
33. A calendar's days are numbered.
34. A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
35. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
36. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
37. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
38. Those who get too high for their britches will be exposed in the end.
39. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
40. If you jump off a Paris bridge,you are in Seine.
41. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
42. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. "Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

it's a little known fact that Enlightenment philosopher Rene Descartes had a bossy and shrewish wife of whom he was rather afraid.

For their annual New Years' Eve party, Mme. Descartes had baked a load of delicious dainty little pastries to be nibbled on with champagne after the clock had gone midnight. Seeing Rene about to help himself to one before the guests arrived, she slapped his hand and said 'Don't you dare! You see to it that nobody touches those until after midnight!' Suitably chastened, Rene backed away from the pastries.

A couple of hours later, around 10pm, the guests having arrived, Rene saw his good friend M. Bonhomme nibbling on a pastry. Not wishing to embarrass his friend by admonishing him publicly, he quickly scribbled a note and handed it to him ....

'I think they're for 1 a.m.'

thus was forged one of the great foundational statements in western philosophy.

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

Here's three:

First one
Q: What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow?
A: Brow chicka brow cow!

Second one
Tommy: How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Timmy: I don't kno-
Tommy: -HEY wanna ride bikes?!

From the archives
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amy Fisher! BANG!

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.' 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.' 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what's that say about progress?

A teacher wants to impress her class about the dangers of alcohol.
She sits two glasses on top of her desk and fills one glass with water and the other glass with alcohol.
She places a worm in each glass.
"Now class" she says, 'Notice how the worm in the glass of water is wiggling around? And the worm in the other glass is motionless and dead! What have you learned from this little demonstration?"
A child in the back of the class raises his hand and says:"That if I drink alcohol I won't have worms".

Please read the end before you draw up your pitchforks. Please. Please.




What do you call a black person that flies a plane for a living?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A pilot you racist bastard.

A Vespa and a Harley are sitting side by side at a stop light.
The Harley looks over at the Vespa and revs it up.. Vrrooom...
The light turns green.... The Harley hauls past the vespa.
About a mile down the road the Harley looks in his rearview mirror and notices a small dot... far away.
The dot grows and grows... until.... the Harley realizes this is the Vespa coming up on him.
The Vespa flys past the Harley.
The Harley vegetable peelers it and passes the Vespa with ease, leaving him in the dust.
A few seconds later, the Harley looks in his rearview mirror and notices the tiny dot again.
The dot grows and grows until he notices it is the Vespa again coming up on him.
The Vespa flys past the Harley again.
"What the heck?" Now the Harley is getting peeved.
He vegetable peelers it and zooms past the Vespa.
Again... the Harley watches the dot in the mirror growing and growing and growing....
Alas, there is a stop light ahead and the Harley stops at the light and...
WHAM..........CRAaSsHh... the Vespa Slams into the back of the Harley.
The Harley rider gets off his bike and asks the Vespa rider lying on the ground: "Are you OK?"
The Vespa rider replies: "I'm fine, but could you please remove my suspender strap from your handlebar?"

I got that earlier this week on another forum, except that it was a Ferrari and a little old man on a Vespa:)

Clem and Tom go out on the bayou in a rowboat, duck hunting, for the first time together.

Clem takes his retriever, Phideaux.

They get right out in the middle of the channel, sit and wait for a while and a flock of duck fly over.
They take aim, Blam! Blam! and a duck falls into the water.

Go get him, says Clem to Phideaux.

Phideaux, ever so carefully, steps over the side of the boat and goes, blip blip blip blip blip, daintily trotting along the surface of the water.
He bends down and gently picks the duck up in his mouth, turns around, and blip blip blip blip blip, back along the surface of the water, steps back in the boat, shaking the water off the bottom of his paws, one at a time, lays the duck down and curls up in the bows on an old sack.

Tom rubs his eyes, he can't believe what he just witnessed.

He looks at Phideaux.
He looks at Clem.

Clem says nothing.

Another flock of duck reel overhead, Blam! Blam! another one falls to the water.
Again goes Phideaux, blip blip blip blip, along the surface, picks the duck up, blip blip blip blip, ever so daintily, back to the boat, hops in, lays the duck down.

Tom is agog.

He looks at Phideaux.
He looks at Clem.

Clem says nothing.

Uhhmm, about your dog there Clem?

I know says Clem, all embarrassed,
never could teach the damn thing to swim.......

Two birds sat on a perch. One turned to the other and said, "Do you smell fish?"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know haw to drive this thing?"

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "does this taste funny?"

What happened when the Aggie moved from Texas to Oklahoma?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Raised the IQ in both states.