Modern Vespa

Received this from a friend at work:


Dear Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?


2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch


3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?


4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole


5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole


6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.


7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.


8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?


9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.


10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?


11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.


12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.


13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.


14.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then


15
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?


16
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock


17
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?


18
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I'd give that a while


19
Try Saying:
He's / she's quite attractive
Instead Of:
I'd do it


20
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live


21
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up

This makes me feel a wee bit as though I beat about the bush somewhat when it comes to work - maybe I should start subbing in some of the "instead ofs" where I currently use the "try sayings".

Best thing about this forum? You can say fuck shit cunt barstard arsehole wanker dickhead without being censored, though your spelling may be corrected, but say anything derogatory or personally insulting and you will be berated- isn't it great having moderators who can read! As for the office, I can say all that there too- just not in front of some clients.

That reminds me of a couple of weeks ago when my boss was texting me to rendezvous with her for a meeting, when we were in Italy.

She kept sending me those dreadful SMS messages which she writes in "txtspk", presumably because her 18 year-old daughter taught her how to SMS...

She wrote; "Wr r u? I am n caf in sq wiv w n yell tblclths..."

My reply to her, as I happened to be just around the corner from her, was:

C U N 5

She hasn't been quite the same with me ever since

At least you didn't have to rearrange to the following tuesday or thursday.

Oh shit damn fuck this is funny!

22. "Now, if you would please listen me" or "Excuse me, your not listening"
Meaning: Will you stop f'ing interrupting me and listen to the words coming out my mouth, I've had it up to here with your f'ing interruptions and I'm sick of repeating myself.

I've used this one loads

22b Meaning - "Stop talking while I'm interrupting!"

Dear OP,


I opened this seemingly innocent thread just before my evening tea, I was prepared to be mildly amused, entertained and (if lucky) tickled.
You can imagine my surprise on opening when I was confronted with a torrent of foul language and unnecassary obscenity, I am shocked There was no clue in either the title or the obvious warning that could have lead me to the horrors discovered within.

For fuck sake. I have had a shittyarsedwanktosscock enough of this.

Yours Sincerely
Marc

And to think, I purposely avoided using swear words in my other post today as I thought that kind of behaviour wasn't allowed on this forum!

Dear Marc,

Not fucking obscene enough then? I thought it best to keep it a bit tame

Regards

The OP